I know where I will be

{A photo of where I work... an old buidling with "accordian heat" (as I called radiators as a child). They hiss and pop and drive me crazy, but I love working in an old buidling with history and cracks in the wall. It seems to make it easier for clients to talk about their lives. It seems to hold stories better, having its own.}

It sounds strange, saying that. I know where I will be next year. I found out this Monday that I "matched" at the UT counseling center for internship (our version of residency). {I hate all this translating, by the way, the way our field makes everything a linguistically isolated process.} But for those of you that speak regular English-- this is good news. I have much to be glad for, including the fact that I have a job at all (many don't, given the ridiculous imbalance between applicants and programs), and that I will be near my friends and family and able to continue my work at a place I really enjoy. The people there are wonderful, they seem to accept me all the time and on same days, even get me. The clients are fascinating. I didn't want to leave. It seemed unfair that I found my place in Knoxville too late, just in time to leave again. I have more to learn... and so I am very pleased to be there. It was my first choice...

{*An aside* To back up some since I never updated on this-- for those of you interested, it was pretty much a tie between App and UT. UT paid more and was more convenient, location-wise, but App had some opportunities UT didn't have (i.e. learning biofeedback). In the end it was evenly split, so when Aud said she preferred UT (given she has more connections here), I ranked it first, put App second, and Emory 3rd. After that they al sort of ran together. Feb. 20th we found *if* we matched somewhere and then Feb. 23rd we found out *where.*}

And yet, the news has not brought the excitement or unbridled joy others seem to expect. Part of it is the insane business of trying to finish my disseration in 2-3 weeks (while continuing to take classes and work at the counseling center and teach)... I don't have much time for unbridled excitement, whatever that might entail. But too-- I am one of those people who, sadly, has trouble accepting good things.

Not the kind of things that happen in the world-- like yellow dafodils in February and a great new album by Old Crow Medicine Show. No, I am fine with those things. I even let them in eagerly. But when something goes well in my own life, something kind of resembling what others might call "success" I tend to get anxious. I wait for the other shoe to drop, make sure not to raise my expectations too high (disappointment is around the bend, surely, like some invisible spider web on a hike). I guess I walk around waving a stick ahead of me, afraid of what is to come.

As cliche as it sounds, there is something uniquely terrifying about getting what you want. I cannot explain it entirely, and I am not sure if it is this way for everyone or just for those of us not used to getting what we want and yet still not good at dealing with it?

All this is not to sound ungrateful. I should emphasize that I am happy (but mostly relieved), and that for the most part this has been a celebratory week. I guess I just feel nagged by these little haunts, dreams of spider webs and old swatting motions. I guess I report on these things because they are the unseen, and that is what we always report on.

But of course, there is also the fear of Audrey's job and whether we will be split up when I do not want to. I will rest easy only when that is known.