strange words

I have been toying with the idea of a strange writing prompt (to share between me and Jes).  It would be the words that randomly come up on the computer to check if you are a human. There must be a better name for them, but I call them cryptographs. It is interesting how most of them are mumbo-jumbo-garbeldeegook... but every once in a while a real word happens, just randomly and by chance as the computer arranges things. I imagine that word should or does mean something-- a gem in a  sea of nonsense.  And also it makes me think of how thin and arbitrary the line is between nonsense and intense meaning... just a few letters, just a few scratchy lines missing or present. Language, such a strange a thing. And yet I think life and death is separated, too, by thin lines.  By random arrangements of moments that can shift without warning-- in a stroke or a seizure.

But I will not wax philosophical.  Instead I will simply report that a real word came today: 

ciders (which happen to be my favorite alcoholic beverage, as most of you know). ;)  And then a non-real word... maumpo.  And part of me felt bad for the second word and wanted to give it meaning, too. 

These days I feel like I am not a real word. I am not in a real world, somehow.  I am waiting desperately for April or May or whenever the harder times will end, or I will at least have time to think about the hard times... time time time. I want this, I say, but half-dread whether I will even recall what to do with it. I wish to write poetry again, revisit my "novel," write songs, do crafts, and then the stupid simple things such as cleaning out my car (a disaster zone), printing photos, gathering presents that have been collecting dust in closets to mail off to good friends. And then maybe I will feel like my life is a real word again, with something to say.

At a party today people talked to me and I felt I had nothing to say. Which is ironic since so much is happening in life.