November Update

Well, a week has passed and I'm sure you're all dying to know the final name of the kitty. I had so many good suggestions. I especially liked Emma and Kenzie's fierce names of "firepaw" and the like, and my brother's surprisingly creative inventions like "Maple." My dad proposed Oh Brother-related concepts such as "Dapper Dan," which I am filing away for future use. And though many of you liked "Nova" and November, I'm afraid in the end I have to go with a writer. So, the final verdict is: Tennessee Williams ("nessie" for short). The relevance of this name is four-fold: First, I found the cat in Tennessee. Second, the kitty is clearly a vol fan since it's orange and white. :) Third, Tennessee Williams was known for his "rough and rowdy" ways (as is my kitty). And finally, I like the reference of "nessie" because, like the lock-ness monster, Tennessee likes to hide about the house currently. He's a lurker (but cute and affectionate when he emerges). So that is that. Welcome Tennessee "Nessie" Williams into the world. When I find my damn digital camera, I will post pictures.

And though I am happy with my kitty and nothing in my life has changed to create this internal shift, I notice the darkness of winter is upon my mind. Yes, that is a fancy way of saying I'm feeling depressed these days. I hate it, and I am tired of my stupid brain betraying me, weighing me down with an unwanted and irrepressible gravity. I feel especially ridiculous and ungrateful to even entertain depression (let alone invite him in) since my life is going perfectly well these days: I've got great friends, a cool roommate, a wonderful music group, a writing club, a new cat, and-- for the first time in God-knows-when-- the promise of a true partner.

My therapist insists I am in denial as to the seasonal and biochemical basis of my illness. (For those of you who don't know-- I tend to suffer from seasonal depression, and mood disorders run in my family). Lately I begin to wonder if my mother, even-- underneath the other confounding factors of alcohol and general strangeness-- also has some sort of mood problem. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe, as a therapist, I believe I should be able to fix my disorder. Who knows, but I am increasingly frustrated with my constant need for sleep, dread of work, difficulty concentrating, and other vague symptoms.

So... the point of this entry is not to complain about my psychological problems. The point is to share with you the beginning of an interesting scientific experiment (n=1). I have decided to try light therapy. Every year my therapist proposes this idea and every year I insist I can't afford it. But the prices have gone down now, and the research evidence has mounted. In many ways, I am an ideal candidate for this-- having such predictable cycles. So I took Audrey's advice, and decided perhaps my happiness is worth it, and I broke down and bought one of those lights. In some ways, I really can't afford not to try anything I can to keep from ruining things in my life (as I tend to do when depressed).

Meanwhile, my friend Lydia sent me an interesting article on anti-depressants and Omega 3 Fatty Acids and the like. So all this is on my mind lately. I recall how I'm always telling my students about the evolutionary theory of depression, which I am a big fan of. It attributes the increase in depression in modern times to a lack of 3 key ingredients that once were central in our lives as humans and now are lacking, the "3 Ss": sleep, sunlight, and social contant. Apparently, we evolved to sleep12 hours a night or more, and be out in the sunlight almost all day, and always be surrounded by others. Now we are all doomed to this indoor life, with 7 hours of restless slumber, and an isolated work environment where we seldom roam around with our peers.

All this is to say-- in an annoying intellectual way-- that I hereby pledge to adopt a serious stance against my impending melancholy. I am going to embark upon an experimental trial of these other, equally effective (according to clinical trials focused on mild to moderate depression) treatments. I am declaring this publicly not to be effusive and narcissistic, but because social psych research suggests we are more likely to make good on our commitments when they are announced publicly. Just the act of pronouncement fortifies us.

So I am going to continue to be social (I've been doing a good job at this), I am going to excercise more (I've been doing terrible at this), I'm going to take my Omega-3 Fatty Acids, and I'm going to commit to the light therapy. And it is quite a commitment: you have to sit under the light and read (it needs to make indirect contact with the eyes) for 30 minutes every morning at the same time. I'm sure this will falter some (as I am seldom regular at anything). Still, I will try this method and hope for the best. Perhaps I have a chance this year, having caught the downfall rather early in its slope:

This time I will face this winter with some weapons, and try not to dread my old foe-- February.